The Namikaze Family Chronicles
by Alcyone23
Summary: Tales of the Namikaze family as they face strange questions, hide-and-seek and disappearing children. AU
1. Of Hide and Seek

A three-year-old Naruto giggled.

He had the best hiding spot. There was no way he'd _ever_ find him. Not here!

Minato hid a grin. Naruto was crouched low behind a table, unaware that the bright orange of his pajamas was clearly visible through the table's legs. As if that wasn't obvious enough, the stream of giggles erupting every once in a while certainly gave him away.

But what kind of dry, boring, horrid father would he be if he didn't play along?

"Naruto?" He called out louder than necessary. "Where are you?"

Giggles.

"Hmm, where could he be?" Minato continued, walking away from the table. "Did he disappear? Oh, he must have mastered that invisibility jutsu! _How_ will I find him?"

Peals of laughter.

"Mmm, gotcha!" He purposefully slammed open the bathroom door. "Ah! He's not here!"

There was a thud as Naruto's tiny body collapsed, the child crying with laughter.

Walking toward the table, Minato scratched his head. "Wherever could my son be?"

Naruto jumped up. "Boo!"


	2. Of Stolen Hats

A six-year-old Naruto turned a corner of his house, laughing madly. Behind him, Minato came running.

"Naruto! I need that today!"

His declaration was met with more giggles and chubby hands clutching tighter to the bright red pointed hat Naruto had shoved onto his head.


	3. Of Forbidden Jutsus

A ten-year-old Naruto walked up to his father, his face puzzled.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Hmm?" Minato raised his eyes from the scroll he'd been studying to his fidgeting son. "What is it?"

"I have a question."

"All right. Go ahead."

"What's cunnilinninlinningulus?" Naruto stumbled over the unfamiliar word, mispronouncing it.

Minato froze. "What?"

In the kitchen, he heard Kushina drop a pan.

"What's cunningilingininngulus?"

"Where did you hear that word, Naruto?" Minato asked carefully.

"Jiraiya-jii-san."

Minato was going to kill him. But first, he had to answer his son somehow or Naruto would not allow him peace of mind.

"It's a forbidden jutsu," stated Minato. Naruto's eyes widened. "It's a very powerful forbidden jutsu. So powerful that its name should not be spoken ever. I'll talk to Jiraiya about not keeping secrets, but you must promise me never to speak of it again. This is a promise from a shinobi to his Hokage. Can I trust you?"

Naruto's eyes grew further, the blue shining. He quickly stood at attention. "Yes, Hokage-sama!"

Minato smiled. "Good, now go play."

Naruto turned around and ran back to his room, tittering with happiness that his father, Yondaime Hokage, trusted him with such an important duty.

Minato calmly rolled up his scroll before walking out the door, calling out to Naruto that he would be back soon.

He was going to brain the pervert with his own sandal.


	4. Of Morning Wakeup Calls

A twelve-year-old Naruto slept peacefully.

"Naruto?" Minato knocked softly on his door. Snores greeted him. Pushing the door open, he walked to the bed.

His son was sprawled gracelessly over his sheets, his covers pooling on the floor.

"Naruto, it's time to wake up. You have your final exam today."

"Nah duh wagga klu."

Years of half-asleep pillow talk had made Minato adroit at translating. "It's either wake up now and go to the training grounds or you go back to the Academy."

"…Ghakashi dralay bate."

"I know Kakashi's always late so I had a talk with him to make sure he got there early today." Naruto did not need to know that Kakashi would be arriving early _for him_, which was still incredibly late by acceptable standards.

"Nah duh wagga klu."

"Naruto, if you don't wake up, Sasuke will assume you're afraid and can't match up to a genius like him."

"WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?"

Naruto shot out of bed so fast, Minato had dive to the side to avoid being knocked out by Naruto's head. He flew to his drawers, tossing out random articles of clothing and wailing about the time.

Minato smirked. Worked very time.


	5. Of Fairytale Endings

Once upon a time, in a village called Konoha, lived a kind Hokage (Minato waved), his beautiful wife, (Kushina smirked) and their young, energetic and adorable son (Naruto blew clear spit-bubbles).

They lived happily together. The Hokage had a demanding job, leading to many hours away from his family. However, he always returned to his home by dinnertime, ready to play with his son and love his wife. However, this led him to be unaware of the normal occurrences during those long hours he spent in his office. Hours his wife, unfortunately for her patience and sanity, was intimately familiar with.

This is the story of the day he learned the truth.

"Let's have another."

"_What_?"

Kushina turned around very slowly, the knife she'd been using to carve a roast.

Minato smiled, unaware of the brewing danger. In his arms slept an utterly spent Naruto.

"I think Naruto would like a little brother or sister."

"And you'll gladly stay behind to take care of them when they're acting up, right?"

"Naruto doesn't act up!"

There was a profound silence.

Kushina grinned wickedly, showing all her teeth. Minato suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

"Let's do this," she began sweetly. "Tomorrow, you stay behind and take care of Naruto. I'll go in for you as your assistant and hold down the fort for a few hours. If you still want a sibling for Naruto then…"

"Of course, I will! Naruto and I get along just fine."

Kushina smirked.

oOo

While our oblivious Hokage slept, delighting in the extra hours he fully expected to enjoy, our dear and slightly vengeful mother took her leave. She kissed her husband on the temple, rearranged her sprawled son on his bed and grabbed the sheaf of documents she would have to take into the office.

If Minato survived this, she would never again tease him, saying he won the title of Hokage on a fluke.

With a last look at the house, committing its façade to memory, as she was certain she would return to find its burning foundation alone—or worse—she left.

Inside the house, the two occupants continued sleeping peacefully for a few more minutes. Until…

"Mama?" Bleary blue eyes opened. They widened upon the infant realizing his mother's warm hand wasn't rousing him gently from sleep and her soft voice wasn't whispering promises of ramen for breakfast and a day at the park.

Bemused, the child slid from the bed, short legs wiggling in the air as they sought the floor.

"Mama?" The house was too silent. Naruto padded to his parents' bedroom. When he pushed open the door, he gasped.

There was a figure tossing underneath the sheets. "No, please, no."

Naruto's three-year-old brain jumped to the only logical conclusion.

_The sheets are eating my mother_.

As the son of the Hokage, raised among foreign dignitaries, ANBU and dangerous A-rank and above jutsu, Naruto had picked up on the proper course of action to take when someone important was in trouble.

Attack with all your strength.

Armed with the three-year-old variant of a battle cry, Naruto jumped into the bed and pummeled the sheet monster.

Minato was dreaming that an emergency surged, cutting his time with his son short. Kushina arched an eyebrow, saying that if he wanted a kid he'd have to make it and give birth to it himself. He was begging Kushina not to kick him out their bed when thirty-pounds of toddler crashed into him.

"Naruto?"

Naruto had no time to think about the deeper tone that said his name, instead of his mother's higher pitch. He was busy sinking his tiny fists into the Sheet Monster that dared try to hurt his mother. He would save her and his father would be so proud of him.

However, the Sheet Monster was a tricky one and wrapped its cloth tentacles around the child, trying to drag him into its cotton and starched stomach to eat him. Naruto gave a choked cry.

"Naruto!"

Naruto blinked into his father's face, large hands freeing him from the Sheet Monster's deadly grasp.

"Daddy!" Naruto cried enthusiastically, pudgy hands wrapping around his father's neck.

Minato blinked as the child barreled into his neck. He was even more confused when Naruto enthused, "You killed the Sheet Monster!"

"Uh…"

"Mama! Daddy, where's mama? I think the Sheet Monster eated mama!"

"No, Naruto, mama went out for a little while to do some things. She wasn't eaten by a Sheet Monster. And what's a sheet monster?"

Naruto pointed to the innocuous looking sheets lying haphazardly across the bed.

Minato sighed. "Well, Naruto, as you can see the Sheet Monster is gone. They're just sheets. See?"

He poked one lump and they both watched it deflate. Naruto experimentally slapped another bump, hand flying back as if the sheets would bite him. When nothing happened, he laughed, both hands smacking the linen.

Stretching, Minato yawned. "Now, how about we go eat breakfast?"

"Ramen!" Naruto yelled gleefully. Before he could bounce off the bed, Minato snagged him by the back of his orange pajamas.

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes." Naruto shook his head. Looked like he and Kushina would have to re-teach him that shaking meant no.

Minato raised an eyebrow.

Naruto's eyes lowered. Nodding his head, he said, "No."

"Bathroom." Minato pointed imperiously.

Dejectedly, Naruto trudged to the bathroom.

_This is easy_, Minato thought as he fixed a simple breakfast for Naruto (after a short argument regarding ramen as suitable for early morning and a slightly more dangerous fight with the stove—Kushina had a talent for cooking, but his skill rested only in chopping and skewering, nothing else).

He turned his back on his son, quickly rinsing off their plates.

"So Naruto, what do you want to do today?"

Silence greeted him.

"Naruto?" He turned around.

The toddler was gone.

As I'm sure you can imagine, our dear Hokage was dumbfounded. One does not become Hokage unless one is talented and capable of incredible feats of skill, strength and intelligence.

Somehow, a three-year-old boy had snuck away from his father's side. And said father could not sense him anywhere inside the house.

Using the skills that earned him the nickname Konoha's Yellow Flash, Minato ran outside. He caught sight of a shock of yellow hair kneeling behind some bushes. With a relieved sigh, he jogged toward his son.

"Naruto, what are you doing o—"

_Squish_.

Now, dear reader, if you were three-years-old and kneeling behind a bush, what would you be doing?

Minato closed his eyes as the pungent and semi-expected aroma rose to his sensitive nostrils. Unfortunately for him, he had not considered putting on shoes when Naruto was so close and it was his bare foot that stepped into the present his only child had left him.

Naruto scrunched his nose adorably. "Ewwie, daddy! Ewwie!"

With the patience of a saint, Minato knelt and picked up Naruto. Holding him at arm's length, he trekked to the hose at the side of the house. Stripping Naruto quickly, he turned the hose on. He aimed it at his foot, preferring not to look, before pointing it at his son.

Naruto giggled, clapping his hands as the spray hit him. When he was certain the child was clean, he picked up the little boy—again at arm's length to safeguard against possible accidents—and trekked into the house where he dried and redressed Naruto.

"Now," Minato knelt in front of his son, the child kicking his legs as he sat on his bed. "Next time you need to do that, you go to the bathroom. All right, Naruto? Remember how mama and daddy taught you about the potty? You use that."

Naruto shook his head happily. "Okay!"

Holding each other's hand, father and son walked down the stairs. Minato left Naruto in front of the television. Surely, he reasoned, watching cartoons would keep Naruto out of trouble.

Wrong.

Very, very wrong.

While Daddy busied himself with daddy-activities, Naruto watched the screen wide-eyed. One character had just dropped a box of papers into a potty and was desperately trying to flush them.

Remembering a box of papers his daddy had, Naruto ran off to search for them. Creeping into his parents' closet, he used all the ninja abilities at his disposal to climb to the top. Once there, he grabbed the box and tugged. He fell to the floor, but he ignored the twinge of pain in favor of his treasure. Opening it, he found the papers to be thin and rectangular with black marks on their surface. Had Naruto been able to read, he would have realized the center kanji spelled the word "explode".

Giggling, he ran into the bathroom where he threw them in one by one, flushing as he did so. Before long, the paper accumulated and the potty refused to flush no matter what he did, push, pull or even hang onto it. This last course of action resulted in the handle coming away in his hands.

Bored already, Naruto tossed it into the bowl and walked away. Unbeknownst to him, the throw had grazed one tag, which was still dry above its companions. It flared to life.

In the kitchen, Minato's instincts began to scream danger. Looking back, he found Naruto plopped on the living room's floor, still watching cartoons.

Dismissing it as parental paranoia, he turned back to his task.

BOOM!

The entire house shook with the force of the explosion.

Minato went from kindly Hokage to I-will-rip-your-soul-out-with-my-bare-hand-if-you-threaten-my-son father in a record 2.5 milliseconds. He had grabbed Naruto before the child could even scream in shock and fright. Son safely held behind him, his eyes ran over the area looking for any sign of danger.

A rush of water caught his attention. Craning his head to look up the hole left in the ceiling, he saw the blackened insides of his bathroom. In the water still falling, he caught sight of a piece of paper.

An exploding tag.

"My paper!" Naruto cried out enthusiastically. Again, Minato snagged the boy's collar before he could run forward.

"What do you mean your paper?"

Naruto was happily oblivious to his father's solemn tone. "My paper! Like the ducky!"

A pudgy finger pointed to the television. When Minato turned around, he saw a duck desperately trying to unclog a toilet of sheaves of paper.

Minato could feel a vein begin pounding in his temple.

He took a moment to collect himself, before grabbing his son—again—and trying to find somewhere to put him where Naruto could no longer cause trouble. Naruto was silent as his father carried him up the stairs and into the child's bedroom. The little boy was dropped onto the bed and Minato turned to leave.

"Daddy, are you mad? Daddy?"

It was the small voice that made Minato turn around. "No, Naruto. But I am disappointed. You are not to touch Mommy and Daddy's things, right? But you did and you broke the bathroom."

Naruto's eyes widened impossibly. His lower lip quivered.

"Now, daddy is going to go fix it, but you need to stay here and _don't touch anything_. If you need _anything,_ yell for me, all right?"

Naruto shook his head miserably. "I'm sorry, daddy."

With a small smile, Minato knelt and hugged him. "You're forgiven. Just don't touch anything anymore, okay?"

"Okay." Naruto sniffled.

Minato ruffled the hair so much like his and walked outside, closing the door behind him.

Naruto kicked his short legs. He had disappointed, daddy. Now daddy was sad. But Namikaze Naruto was the son of the Hokage and he would fix it. However, since he couldn't fix it himself, he would find the one person who could fix anything: his mother.

That decided, Naruto ran to his window, threw it open and jumped outside.

The explosion had alerted the ANBU constantly guarding his home. After placating them and explaining what really happened, Minato put them to work. Normally, he would never use his position to force his ANBU to perform menial labor, but Kushina's reaction to the event was enough to terrify him into harassing his shinobi. No one in Konoha wanted to get on Kushina's bad side. Not even the Hokage was brave enough to do so.

On the other side of Konoha, Kushina sneezed.

"Are you all right, Kushina-sama?" One chuunin asked.

Kushina smiled. "Yes, I am. Thank you."

Glancing at the time, she saw it was close to midday. She figured it was time to go back and meet up with her two favorite boys. The redhead would have been lying if she said she didn't want to know how they were holding up. And she was certain Naruto missed her; they had never been separated for more than a few minutes before.

ANBU was truly exceptional, Minato concluded as he glanced around the bathroom. The pipes had been replaced, as had been the toilet. The holes had been filled and a combination of water and fire jutsu had removed the puddles of water and dried the floor and walls. A woman with a panda mask had cast a wind jutsu, refreshing the air in the entire house.

He was just going to thank them for their aid and remind them not to breathe a word to Kushina when an ANBU member raced down the hall, bowing quickly.

"Hokage-sama, Kushina-sama is at the door."

"Out!" he hissed and all the ANBU disappeared. Distantly, he heard Kushina humming as she opened the door.

"Minato? Naruto?" she called out.

_Be relaxed, be relaxed, be relaxed_, he chanted to himself as he turned the corner to face his wife.

"Kushina!" _Oh thank God_. "You're back early!" _And didn't see the bathroom_. "How was everything?"

"Fine," she said, looking around. "Did you clean?"

_Not exactly_. "Yes."

"Where's Naruto?" she asked brightly.

"In his room." Inside, Minato was doing a victory dance that she didn't notice anything wrong. "I'll go get him."

"No, let me." She walked ahead, scarlet hair whispering behind her. "He's probably missed me."

With a sigh of relief, Minato threw himself onto the couch, closing his eyes. A short while later, he felt a figure stare down at him from the top of the stairs.

"Minato?" Her sweet tone should have clued him in that something was wrong.

"Hmm?"

"Where's Naruto?"

"In his room."

"No…he's not. In fact, he's nowhere on the upper floor."

Minato's eyes snapped open.

Kushina walked down the stairs with a deceptively casual gait. She paused at the bottom, one finely manicured hand resting against the bend of her hip. The other tapped a staccato beat against the wooden handrail.

"Where. Is. Our. Son." Her voice was dripping sugar.

Minato really hoped Kyuubi would attack. Then, he remembered he had sealed Kyuubi inside his son.

Fuck.

He was certain the damn fox was probably laughing at his misfortune somewhere.

As it was, Naruto was walking through Konoha like a victorious ruler through his kingdom.

He had frightened a pink-haired girl when he popped out of a tree, run away from a chubby boy when he declared the other fat and crept away from a scary boy with bugs.

Seeing a pair of brothers nearby, he decided to ask them for help.

"Have you seen my mama?" he asked in his version of politeness. He may have looked like his father, but he was his mother's son.

The older one seemed to recognize him. "Kushina-sama was in the Hokage Tower."

"Thank you! Bye!"

He ran off.

"Who was that, nii-chan?" the younger brother asked.

"Hokage-sama's son. He'll probably be in the Academy with you, Sasuke."

Sasuke turned back to the rapidly disappearing blond. "He looked funny."

Just as the brothers were about to resume their walk back home, the Hokage and his wife approached them.

"Itachi-kun!" Hokage-sama called. "Have you seen my son?"

Itachi pointed wordlessly in the direction of the Hokage Tower.

"Thank you," the Hokage grinned. His wife snatched his hair and began dragging him.

Itachi and Sasuke stared.

"Nii-chan, what—"

"I don't know, otouto. And I don't think I want to."

While his parents frantically turned the Hokage Tower upside down, Naruto finally reached the top of the Hokage Monument. A nice lady had told him his mama had already left and said the top of the Hokage Monument let him see everything. So there he was, making his way across the top of stone head and trying to find his mama.

Naruto was scared. His mama had never left him alone. All he had to do was yell and his mama was there. But now he couldn't find his mama and his daddy was _disappointed_ with him.

Naruto sniffed. "Mama…"

"NARUTO!"

The little boy jumped. Was that his mama's voice?

"NARUTO! WHERE ARE YOU? DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU BASTARD! NARUTO! IF SOMEONE HAS MY SON, I SWEAR, I WILL TEAR YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND USE THEM TO STRANGLE YOU! NARUTO!"

"MAMA! MAMA!" Naruto waved his hands madly, jumping up down. "_MAMA!_"

"Uh, Kushina?" Minato tapped Kushina on the shoulder.

"_What?!_" If he had been a lesser man, Minato would have passed out from the withering look she aimed at him. As it was, he only stepped back and cowered slightly.

He pointed to the top of Sandaime's head and the bouncing orange eyesore on top.

"Naruto!" she cried out in relief. However, even as they watched, Naruto slipped from the head and plummeted.

"MY BABY!" Kushina screamed. Fueled by fear, adrenaline, maternal rage and the monstrous amount of chakra she was infamous for, Kushina grabbed her husband and hurled him bodily into Naruto's path. He hit the ground hard directly under Naruto, catching him safely.

The world was spinning around him.

Before he could recover, Kushina had reached them and grabbed Naruto, covering him in kisses.

"Oh, my baby! My precious little boy! What were you doing up there? Oh, you had mommy so worried!"

For his part, Naruto was delighted to have his mother back and simply clutched her neck, happily giggling, "Mama!"

Mother and son returned to their house, leaving the dazed father to make sense of the little birds circling his head.

And thus it was, dear reader, that the Hokage learned of the dangers his wife was affronted with and came to a new understanding, greater respect and even greater fear of the woman he loved.

As for the possibility of a second child? That was squashed as was any chance of the Hokage sleeping in the same bed as his wife for a month after this day's events.

"MINATO! WHY THE HELL DOES THE TOILET HAVE THE UCHIHA CLAN SYMBOL?"

Nevertheless, they (eventually) lived happily ever after.

At least until Naruto discovered the joys and terrors of candy.


End file.
